Mettle Monday - From a Bar Stool to Becoming One of Irelands Fittest Men

I woke up and I still had my clothes on. At least I had taken off my shoes this time, sometimes I wouldn’t even manage that. It was January 1st, 2019 and I woke up in my Guinness stained blue and white striped shirt, that wreaked of fags and my jeans that had some kind of burger sauce stain on them. I slid my legs round under me and sat on the edge of my bed, knees to elbows with a dry numbness in my head. I rubbed my puffy face and eyes and thought in that moment “what the fuck are you doing?”
Like many my age I had fallen into that mid to late twenties cycle of life that was all too comfortable. I worked a job that I hated but that paid me well and I either spent that money on booze having a “good time” or on stuff that I didn’t even want. This constant cycle of week to week, month to month, pay cheque to pay cheque. And what was I getting from it? Nothing. Well, not exactly nothing. I was getting a ticket onto a roller coaster that I didn’t even want to be on in the first place. One that had euphoric highs and crashing lows. Mood regulation was a myth, or at least it was unattainable at the time. Do you ever feel like that? Like you’re living a life of constant ups and downs and there is no middle ground where you can just……be? Yeah, me too. I struggled with times of real lows which could last days if not weeks. I felt worthless and trapped in the life I was manufacturing for myself. I was lost.
I woke up that morning and knew one thing for certain; my life had to change. Now. I was sick of it. Dreading going into work, to a job I detested. The comfort of money and trappings had made me weak. Made me stay. I had gotten too comfortable in my company car and fat pay cheque lifestyle. And for what? So I could drive that car to and from work and spend that fat pay cheque on booze that only made me feel worse? Yeah, sounds stupid to me too. I’ve had this type of eureka moment before where I would go off the drink, start training again and eat better. I would do that for an uncertain period of time and then slip back into the drudgery of everyday life. But for some reason this time felt different. It felt like I knew I was making a choice for good this time, none of this seasonal cleanse bullshit. I knew I was going to make some changes, like I always did. I would abstain from alcohol and as a result of this, abstain from late nights. I would start a training regime of my own design and try to make better nutrition choices. I had no idea how far this was going to take me, however.
I got chatting to a good friend of mine Mark O’Mahony some days after the morning in question, where we reminisced on our completion of the Connemara 100 Mile Ultra Run the August before. I was a far cry from the man that had finished that race a mere four months previous, I had really let myself go. That was thanks to four months of wearing Irish handcuffs. That is, drinking with a drink in each hand. Usually a pint of Guinness and a shot of Jameson, neat. My favourite combo. We chuckled at how tough we had found it and Mark then let slip his plan to run a 200 mile race in May. Without hesitation I said that I would join him. His perplexed facial expression and rather cynical demeanor were appropriate. I looked like a guy who wouldn’t have the endurance to watch a two hour film in the cinema, let alone run 200 miles. But for some reason I knew at that very moment that I would be on the start line come May.
How do you start this? How does a person train for a 200 mile race? I don’t have a clue either. I had trained for the 100 miler but hadn’t done half enough and drank throughout the entirety of training. I thought back to why I had even signed up for the 100 miler in the first place. David Goggins. What a tough dude. He had motivated me to run the 100 miler. But like he always says “motivation ain’t shit.” Cause when the motivation is gone so is the lifestyle and work ethic that came with it. And that’s exactly what happened. After I crossed the 100 mile finish line I just went back to my normal life of comfort and lack of effort. Drinking, smoking and basically being a complacent slob living for the weekend. The big question is: why did I let that happen? Why did I go back to the factory default settings? Answering that question was going to be harder than I had ever expected. The result of answering that question would change my life.
I obviously started out by running. I hadn’t run a mile in four months and the most exercise I had was lifting a pint from the bar to my lips to take a greedy slug of it. So what did I do? I ran a half marathon. On the first day of training. Jesus, it nearly killed me and I hobbled into my porch afterward already feeling the pain. But for some reason I wasn’t displeased, I was happy. Pain meant that I had actually gotten out of my comfort zone and pushed it a bit. Two days later I ran another half marathon. Two days later, another. I was telling my body that this is the way its going to be from now on. There was no escape. I am reminded of a song by Gil Scott-Heron called The Revolution Will Not Be Televised where he writes:
You will not be able to stay home, brother
You will not be able to plug in, turn on and cop out
You will not be able to lose yourself on skag and
Skip out for beer during commercials
Because the revolution will not be televised
I was going to have to be present. I was going to have to be there. I was going to have to be in the pain. And be comfortable with it. I wasn’t going to be able to disconnect or distract myself. I wasn’t going to be able to whitewash of over it. I was there, there for the long haul. This was my life now.
I was clocking up mileage from the get-go and that I wasn’t drinking, my weekends could be spent running or recovering properly. I was feeling fantastic and with almost a month of training down I was feeling like a new man. The dog’s bollocks if you will. I was off the drink and feeling great but I had made plans to meet a girl I liked on a night out on the 26th of January, so I said I’d go all out and have a few drinks. Fast forward to the following morning and I woke up not knowing where I was or what had happened. I had overcooked it yet again and ended up a drunken slob passing out. And the girl I liked? Forget about it, the thing about first impressions is you only get one. I haven’t drank since that night and it’s hard to see me drinking again in the near future.
So what did I do next? I kicked training up a notch and started getting up at 4.30am on cold dark winter mornings. There was something beautiful about this, almost poetic. As if i had woken up before the entire world had and laced up my running shoes. Just me crunching across my gravel driveway in the dark, getting into my car to head off for another run. On one of my runs I talked on my Instagram story about why I was doing all of this. Getting up early in the dark. On cold rainy mornings in February. It was because I was doing Tough Fucker Shit. Or TFS for short. It meant not only hardening my body physically but mentally. This would prove far more important when times got tough. Little did I know how people would react to this and how it would have a positive effect on the people following my journey. Every day I was getting pictures and videos of people hash tagging TFS and really feeding into the mantra and the ethos connected to it. I was being approached by people and messaged by people saying how I had inspired them to get back into shape. One of my friends was a big smoker, smoked twenty to twenty five cigarettes a day and is going to be lining up for his very first half marathon soon. It was amazing. I really felt like maybe my tiny drop in the ocean of life was meaning something, however small. It really fueled my journey and kept me striving to be my best.
I quit my job and over those next few weeks I noticed things starting to change in me. Things in my mind. I was seeing things differently. I had pushed an awful lot of pain and unresolved issues of mine to the darker corners of my mind, never to be brought to light again. I didn’t want to deal with them but my mind had other ideas. While I ran, these old festering hurts would press play on the remote of my conscious mind. I had to think about them. I had to give them the time they deserved. No longer would they crouch timidly in the shadows. Each time I laced up my runners. Each time I ran. Each time I sat and drank coffee. Each time I drove home. I did so with the demons I had locked away for years. I chatted with them. I fought with them. I forgave them. I forgave myself. The external punishment of my early morning runs was nothing to the internal punishment I had been giving myself for years. That made training and running my time. My zone. Where the harder I pushed myself the freer I felt in my mind. I felt like someone had handed me the reigns again. Like, “here you go, you can be in control again.” It was beautiful.
This new found freedom I had developed in my mind allowed me to push myself physically in ways I never had done before. Runs seemed easier. My bed seemed less comfortable when I was trying to get out of it on cold mornings. Gym sessions seemed shorter, although they were in fact longer and more grueling. I felt invincible for want of a better term. I even ran four marathons in a row to show myself that I could do it. Then something unexpected happened. “You were close to tearing the tendon clean off the bone” — my physio talking to me about my femur. I had over trained my quads and under-trained my glutes causing my hips to tilt forward. That placed a lot of pressure and pain on my hip joint. This was going to be a test. I was two months out from the 200 mile race and I had a pretty serious hip injury. Hips are important for running, I’ll give you that fact for free. What is a runner who can’t run? Sounds like the start of fairly shit joke.
My physio is a very knowledgeable man and I had the utmost trust and faith in him. He gave me exercises to do which I did diligently. But the physical aspect of it all was the most straight forward. I just have to do these things and not run for a while. Not run for a while. Not run. I’m trying to run 200 miles in two months’ time and I can’t fucking run? Christ. Talk about a mind game. As I would roll out my muscles or do the exercises my physio gave me all I would think about was that race. It wasn’t getting any further away. It was coming for me. But hold up a second, now. You’re this guy who claims to be building a strong mind right? You’re the guy getting up at 4.30am and running thirty kilometers before work? You’re the guy training two to three times a day? And you’re the guy who just ran four marathons back to back? Suddenly things changed. As if the stars had aligned. You’re better than this. I was going to use this time to become a better all-around athlete. Use this as just another test, another mind game to overcome. Positive. Inner. Monologue. This is what I was hearing every time I was talking to myself. Positive evidence based assertions that made me believe I could do anything. That I could achieve anything. That I could be anything.
As the days and weeks rolled on, I thought more and more about the charity I had chosen to raise money for while doing the 200 mile race. Pieta House. I thought about that guy sitting on his bed on January 1st and how he felt inside his own mind. He felt scared. He felt trapped. And he felt alone. I thought to myself, “if just one person is helped by my fundraising it would be pretty fuckin’ cool.” To tell you the truth I had felt like maybe I had already made a difference in people’s lives. In the people who had been following my story. My journey. So, I feel like I am a two-pronged attack on mental health difficulties. Through my fundraising and indeed through my example. This is new for me. Talking about myself so positively and meaning it. I did feel proud of myself and I hadn’t even run the 200 miles. Not yet anyway….
.......To Be Continued
Conor O'Keeffe is an ultra marathon runner and mental health advocate. Conor stumbled upon ultra running by chance in 2019. While training for a 200 mile ultra marathon in the UK he began to unearth a sense of self and inner stability.
(This is Part one of a two part blog entry. Watch out for Part two soon)








