2019 was a tough year for me. Therapy, anti-depressants and a lot of ups and downs. Throughout the year, I genuinely didn’t think I would make it to 2020. I had planned how I’d “go” and everything. Life was too much but thankfully I found running and getting out on the trails saved my life, alongside the support from family and friends.
2020. The year I wasn’t supposed to see. Like most people, New Year’s resolutions seem a great idea at the end of the year/beginning a new one, but let’s be honest, who actually sticks to them? But I had a realization. I HAD made it to 2020. It opened my eyes to how short life really was. Had my depression got the better of me, my life would have been 23 years long… or short. It really hit home, and I decided enough was enough. This was going to be the year of no comfort zones. To push myself and see what happens.
I entered a marathon in Liverpool on new years day. In 2019 I had done numerous half marathons and I hadn’t run for a few weeks/months. But, even if I pulled out, I would have tried something my brain told me I couldn’t do. Anyway, it was the biggest mental battle to keep going. My mind kept telling me to give up, a voice I recognized from the constant nagging in 2019. Miles 18-23 were the hardest. That voice got louder, more persistent, kept telling me to stop, to just give in, but somehow, I kept going. Somehow, I kept my legs going, one step at a time, constantly trying to drone out that negative voice. 26 miles later, I was awarded my first marathon medal.
Little did I know this was the start of getting comfortable outside my comfort zone.
Throughout January and February continued to push my limits in different aspects of life. I started my Sports Rehabilitation Company in December and I started to really focus on that. I then decided to hand in my notice at my part time job that didn’t push me in the slightest, I hated the lack of effort from other staff but was a secure monthly income and it paid well the two evenings a week I worked there. But I walked in happy and cheerful, within five minutes I felt deflated at fed up. After 6 years of working there I decided to whip the financial comfort blanket from under me and focus on my own business which was beginning to really pick up. I am now fully self-employed and running my own business. I felt, and still do, feel vulnerable and worry about my income. The whole process really pushed me out my comfort zone, financially and mentally. Thanks to focusing on my own work and putting myself out there, I am now working for The North Face in a job that pushes me weekly and have signed a contract to do some exciting and scary work with a climbing company.
Some other small feats were small things like staying in a hotel room and going away for a weekend on my own. Having a photoshoot and facing my fear and anxiety when it comes to cameras. I have never liked a camera in my face. It makes me feel uncomfortable and like the world is judging me and my face. To some this may sound silly, and insignificant but to me those were uncomfortable small steps. Steps which have made me more comfortable when being uncomfortable.
I’ve never been good with open water. If my feet can’t touch the bottom, I have a major panic attack. But this year I went for my first cold water immersion. Granted I didn’t swim but I did manage to get in water on a recent trip to the Lake District, when it was 5 degrees outside, in a bikini, and focused on my breathing. When you first get in the water, you feel your chest tighten, you hold your breath and wonder why on earth you’re doing what you’re doing. Deep breaths open the chest, shoulders back and breathe. After minute or so, your breath steadies, and it’s like your body instantly adjusts to the icy temperature. But more than that, you push past the mental barrier, the instinct to get out the water and to hold your breathe. That’s when the mind lets go of everything. For me personally it’s one of the few times I have been in, what some would call, a “meditative state”. My busy mind came to a holt. My worries evaporated. I took in the beautiful surroundings and a feeling of contentment came over me. This was the first time in 23 years I had felt this way. Feelings and emotions that never would have been experienced if I hadn’t pushed my comfort zone to 1. Get in the water and 2. Get past the calming of the breathing. I have since caught the cold-water bug. I still have to push that comfort zone to get in the water and to calm myself, but I love the challenge. This has driven me to push myself even further this year and enter an open water swim or an open water triathlon. Something to get me out of this blanket we wrap ourselves in called the Comfort Zone.
This last weekend I found myself on a mountain bike in Coed-y-Brenin, North Wales, going down black runs with a group of nine other much more experienced bikers. I haven’t been on a bike for about 10 months. I have always been good on a bike but only down trail/downhill biking a handful of times. When we set off, I didn’t think I’d keep up with the others who mountain bike regularly and at a good level. The slippery rocks and big drops came. In downhill biking, you can’t just break. Sometimes you have to overcome your natural instinct to squeeze the breaks. Sometimes consenting to fear and breaking put you in a greater risk of coming off. You have to overcome the fear, get comfortable with it and ride on through. Granted some bits I had to get off and push but the majority I managed to release the break and go with it. Flow with the fear. Once again, I found myself feeling free and uncomfortable… but in a good way. The big drops felt petrifying. They approached fast and, in an instant, I had to make the decision to break or jump. I jumped which left me and the bike floating through the air. Some may even say “falling with style”. After a particular run, with jumps, drops and technical rocky slabs, we all stopped for a break, my legs were numb and tingly with fear, but my cheeks ached from smiling and I couldn’t stop.
Two months into 2020 and I can honestly say I have stuck to my New Year’s resolution of “no comfort zones.” I feel to have achieved so much in this short space of time. What have I honestly got from it other than feeling scared, uncomfortable, anxious and vulnerable?
• Memories and adventures
• Meeting new people, who I can call my friends
• Feeling more confident I myself and my abilities
• Less Imposter Syndrome at work
• Feeling happier and content
• More acceptance of myself
• Better ability to understand and accept others
• Better ability to talk about my problems and worries
• The urge to seek out new adventures
• Searching for more ways to push myself and better myself, physically, mentally and as a person.
This year so far has felt life changing, uplifting and has been an emotional roller-coaster. To compliment the ups there has been downs, it would be stupid to think otherwise. But I feel I have more control when the downs do come.
My advice to anyone, is to try and push your comfort zone. See where it takes you. This might be work related, physically, or mentally. I implore you to experience being uncomfortable and to break out of your blanket of security. I promise you won’t regret it and who knows what adventures you may get up to and what doors it may open.
In 2019 I didn’t want to see 2020. Thanks to making the decision to be scared and to accept the feeling of helplessness, I genuinely can’t wait for what adventures and challenges come my way in 2020. I feel alive again. Truly alive.